Day 11: Schools of thought

On my earlier strolls I realised how eerily quiet everything was and very pleasant indeed. It was still a bit like the first day of the summer holidays with parents together with their children all laughing and having fun. We are now at day five of there being no school for most children and I can see a change already. Today there was a preponderance of males only with children, not so much laughter and a sense of urgency about everything. Everybody is cross with each other and the parents which again is reminiscent of the school holidays end of week two – can’t wait for the holidays to end and their children to go back to school. In the past they have had a date – today they do not.

Clearly the school learning is also starting to take its toll and mothers are trying to find a bolt-hole. Bit of advice ladies just shop on your own and leave everyone else at home. You can stay out as long as you like and blame it on the queues of over 70s.

After one week of attempting to teach their children at home parents now believe teachers must be superhuman. Mothers and fathers across the country are in awe of people who take care of around 30 children every single day without swearing constantly. Parents love their children but they do not have to spend a great deal of time with them which is why they send them to school and complain about teachers. Their children’s behaviour is clearly the fault of the teachers as they are with them for most of the day. Now they are with their parents for 24 hours a day parents are realising that their children are frankly quite annoying and that teachers are from another planet where they have secret powers of calmness. That or they have supernatural powers to make the children sit down and keep quiet for just 5 minutes.

Roll on the next parent’s evenings when a very different tone will be evident I’m sure. Awe and respect for teachers – now there’s an original thought!

Here are some educational suggestions you could give to your grandchildren for keeping out of their parent’s hair for a while.

Maths

You have 900 loo rolls. Weigh all the out of date food in the fridge and see how much you can eat. Estimate how many loo rolls you will need when you get food poisoning.

  

English

Write a dictionary of all the new terminology. I've got you started here

Biology

Create a chart to track your family's symptoms

Domestic Science

Think of inventive recipes. For example, instead of mint ice cream, have a bowl of chilled toothpaste for pudding and never worry about brushing your teeth before bed again

Technology

Build a house of spaghetti – mum wants to use up all that pasta anyway having seriously misjudged stockpiling. If you bundle it all together with glue I think you’ll find it’s an effective building material and will give you practical information for building your first home so you can move out before you have to go back to school.

Economics

Taking a leaf from the Government's book, ask your parents to lend you your pocket money for the next 25 years and work out how long it will take you to pay them back.

Geography

Get an app on your phone to measure how far you have travelled. Set off on your daily walk  and stop when the battery on your phone runs out. Where are you?  Alternatively, make a list of countries with no reported cases (this could provide vital research for your next family holiday to Sierra Leone, Tajikistan or Kiribati).

Modern languages

Stephen Fry has said he might use this indoor time to learn Esperanto. I'd pick something more useful, but you could be a polyglot by Christmas.

Business studies

Help mummy and daddy while they work at home. Joining them on videoconferencing meetings will go down especially well.