Day 76: Over and out

Technically we do not have a ‘global pandemic’ now so, like the clapping, I am calling a halt to my blog. It has given me enormous fun to write and has kept me sane throughout this whole incarceration and I hope I've put a smile on bored faces. From tomorrow ‘even over 70s’ are being allowed more freedom so as far as I am concerned I will be ‘staying alert’ but have declared the thing over - well for me at least and if footballers can run around then so can I. Enough is enough - I have my mask, my gloves and will take a long stick to keep everyone at bay.

Good to know that a Cambridge university professor of Zoology has kept busy over the last few weeks and has come up with some ideas of how we will now manage our lives. Some of his suggestions are that shoppers should pick up all items with tongs (bring your own) and insisting that people walk in a clockwise direction round parks. Now if you can show me anyone under 40 who actually knows what the expression clockwise means then I’d like to meet them - they’re all digital so would be jumping up and down. He also advises that music be turned off in shops so that people don’t have to get close to hear each other. This last suggestion is by far the best and should be adopted immediately and certainly be compulsory at Christmas along with sticking to only one adult doing the shopping and everyone else staying at home.

I have some suggestions for shopping in case you haven’t been out yet. Whistling cheerfully will give you an air of nonchalance as you secretly wonder if that pack of sausages has been handled by a coronavirus carrier and nervously approach it like an unexploded bomb. Try and buy a range of veg, meat, cereals, and so on. Don’t just grab whatever you can in 50 seconds and sprint out of there with 80 jars of mussels and all the toothpaste. Please, please don’t dress like you’re prepared for a chemical attack. Keep your protective clothing to one mask. When you’re out of the store you can put on three more masks, surgical gloves and a face visor in a mad panic. Then breathe a sigh of relief as you do up your anorak hood tightly and spray yourself with Dettol. Or you could  just get someone else to go.

Now I just have the small matter of windows to wash before my cleaner arrives first thing tomorrow morning – goodness only knows what she will think when she sees the state of my house but perhaps I could say I have been in an induced coma for the last 11 weeks. Goodness knows it feels as if I have. Best news of all though is that I have a hair appointment for the 5th July – my hairdresser is obviously prioritising the most needy. Should the worst happen and we get ‘a second spike’ I am writing to my MP to inform him that cleaners and hairdressers should be treated at all times like gods and designated as key workers. 

I will leave the final comment to the Duke of Edinburgh who in 1988, joked about deadly viruses when speaking to Deutsche Press Agentur. Prince Philip reportedly said: “In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, to contribute something to solving overpopulation.”