Day 19: From May to September
It’s supposed to be a lovey weekend so to make life
easy for myself I am just going to give you my prediction for the next few
months today and have the day off tomorrow. This should leave me plenty of time
to get on with things that need doing both in the house and in the garden. I
figured at our age it’s best to read things quite closely together before we forget
so in order to keep the continuity, I have included April’s prediction once
again.
April
·
So far so good. What
with no school and Easter approaching children are being relatively well
behaved. Some wag has come up with the ‘brilliant’ idea of enticing children
out of doors. Searching for the teddy in the window. All the over 70s have
found their children’s favourite toy from the year dot and shoved it in their
window so little Tarquin and Esmerelda can spot them on their compulsory walks
– well that’s the idea. What happens in practice is that I have found strange
small beings staring at me through the window like an endangered species, which
frankly I think I have become!
·
Parents who previously
allowed one hour of screen time per day on Saturdays and Sundays only, claim to
have now realised screens can be hugely beneficial to child brain development
·
Self-isolating over
70s are spending the night in front of the TV and popping open their third
bottle of wine as there are still plenty of new shows being streamed and the
spirit of the Blitz is keeping everyone going
·
Husbands have
hunted down their long-lost musical instrument from the loft and are becoming
familiar with it once again
May
·
Teddy bears have now
been replaced by loo rolls in order to let any passing young
people who CAN go out know that you need some in the next day or two. This will
help
Tarquin and Esmerelda
in their problem-solving exercises rather than staring inanely at
a teddy bear.
·
Jasper and Felicity
have now been sitting in front of the TV for nearly eight hours straight a day and
have figured out the parent lock on both the TV and their parents iPads.
Suggestions by parents to start learning how to make sourdough bread and
learning Mandarin are falling on deaf ears.
·
The over 70s are spending the night in front of the TV and popping open
their fourth bottle of wine and each new show on streaming is devoured as
hungry wolves would devour a live chicken
·
Husband has now
remembered a few of the basics of playing their instrument and becoming a
little more familiar with it. Spending endless hours ‘practising’
June
·
Loo rolls have been
replaced by an empty gin bottle in order to stimulate the brain cells of both
the passing parents and
Tarquin and Esmerelda
who seem to get louder each day.
·
The over 70s are spending the night in front of the TV and popping open
their fourth bottle of wine and a new bottle of scotch and watching the occasional
new shows which are incomprehensible in their depiction of a world where people
could leave the house and touch.
·
Jasper and Felicity’s
parents have decided that screen time limits are
a luxury of the wealthy so have joined Amazon Prime, subscribed to Disney+ and
bought the kids a Nintendo Switch each
·
Husband now knows three
chords, but that leaves his poor wife vulnerable to butchered versions of every
pop song in history
July
·
Clearly children’s
brains are not being stimulated enough as the gin bottle was not replaced so a
notice is now attached explaining in clear English what is required. This should
hopefully address their reading abilities and stop them shouting in those
extraordinarily loud voices
·
The over 70s have decided that drinking wins hands down over TV and have
shunned it and called it ‘the picture that lies’. They open one of the final remaining
bottles of gin
·
Jasper and Felicity
are now binge-watching Brutal Mania and the Evil Dead while their
frantic parents ignore them completely.
·
Wife is in a race
against time to locate and destroy instrument
August
·
Placards outside the
front door begging for sustenance to no avail. Parents and
Tarquin and Esmerelda
are
watching ‘Quarantine Families Go Mental’
·
The over 70s are now totally comatose and frankly don’t care who does what
and where. They realise that whoever said that staying in was the new going out
were deluded morons.
·
Jasper and Felicity are
now completely brain dead, so their parents are trying to reconvene
civilisation by watching ‘Quarantine Families Go Mental’ together as a family
·
The instrument is no
more
September
·
With the end in sight
sanity is recovered, the concepts of work and school and outside are
reintroduced and Britain prepares to pretend this whole period of mass lunacy
never happened.
Going to the
beach tomorrow as it’s supposed to be a lovely day and all the television news
bulletins this week have shown them to be totally empty so that should be good.
Only a 200 mile journey to my favourite beach so looking forward to it. The Queen
has also asked me to help her out with her speech to the nation on Sunday so
another job to do. Busy, busy, busy.
Comments
Post a Comment