Day 74: Let my people go

Things are changing and hopefully for the better and we are slowly being released back into the wild.

This means more rules to grapple with. Weeks of research have concluded that parks and gardens are actually pretty similar. So friends’ gardens are no longer off limits, but their houses are. Say what you will but I see the logic: we’ve had 10 weeks without our cleaners and husbands with nothing to do but mow the lawn. Houses can be used as the route to the garden, or to pop to the loo (although not in Scotland where garden party toilet breaks are still verboten – it’s one way to keep visits short I suppose).  Up to 6 families can now gather, so long as each stays 2m apart. I must have missed the part where we all got given bigger gardens (or roof terraces if you please!). No mention either of how we get the wine from the fridge to the garden I noted. I blame a Tory government, they must assume people’s butlers will have everything in hand.

As I have mentioned previously I have friends who are teachers and I’m sure like all parents they are really looking forward to welcoming children back in to school from next week. Well I’m sure the parents are thrilled at least. I can imagine parents this week suddenly realising that they are now going to be held accountable for their child’s learning during the lockdown. Much like leaving all the summer holiday work to the end of August, parents are now struck by panic and have probably spent the last week or so teaching their offspring to memorise a list of educational activities to claim they completed when their teachers ask. They will have it rammed down their throats how little screen time they had and how mummy never drinks wine before noon.

I can see the conversation going like this ‘Right children now remember you’ve nailed the Key Stage 2 curriculum, you’ve learned to play the oboe, and you’re semi-fluent in Portuguese. Okay? Read that back to me.’ They will then leave their darlings at the school gate a full three days before their new term starts on Monday, their main concern supposedly being their offspring’s long-term educational prospects, and not the fact that they were screaming and attempting to put small change up each other’s noses for the umpteenth time. Perhaps schools should have a parent’s evening in reverse where the teachers can complain about the amount of education the children have received over the last term – should be interesting.

Meanwhile for those who don’t have the problem of children and schools, when faced with the choice of either going back to work and dicing with death on public transport or taking the ‘I think I’d better stay at home’ corona excuse then taking the day off wins hands down every time which is clearly why the Husband is now restricted to playing golf only twice a week as all the people who should be working are not. The sun is shining and who would dare argue with you if you said you had a bit of a cough and just want to be careful. Although from next week golfers can now play in groups of four there’s still hours on the computer trying to book a tee time and when they do play there’s no tea, no bar, and no hanging around chatting for hours after their game is over. Is it worth the effort, I wonder.

I gather that football is returning to our TV screens in a couple of weeks’ time too which quite honestly fills me with dread. I think that no televised sport should be allowed until normal people are allowed to play it themselves. People doing a bit of sport for fun or fitness is one thing but in normal times we have roundups of sport on every news bulletin longer than the weather forecasts so if you’re all incredibly fed up with the interminable corona updates and then the news with more corona updates these are only replacing all the sport roundups we used to have. There’s still no real news!

All over the world countries are ‘letting their people go’ but the one country that surprisingly made me absolutely roar with laughter was Switzerland – the Swiss are noted for their sang-froid but they of all countries have announced that their first wave of lockdown easing includes prostitutes being allowed to resume working next month (while judo, wrestling and ballroom dancing competitions remain banned). This is all subject to strict hygiene measures evidently which include maintaining social distancing of at least a forearm’s length between heads. The images in my mind just do not bear further explanation!