Day 56: Roadmap to nowhere

I spent a beautiful sunny afternoon in my front garden chatting to my neighbours on VE day. Two of them were aged 9 when victory was declared in Europe and they told me that they had more cake that day than we did on Friday – even though they had rationing back in 1945 they were clearly better at coping with measurements than we are today as you can’t find flour, sugar or eggs anywhere.

I am currently shopping for these lovely people. They are avid readers of this blog so I have to be a little careful how I phrase this but I am a little concerned about their latest supermarket order which comprised copious amounts of wine and bleach and a couple of packets of crisps. I suppose that’s what a balanced diet looks like in these days. The gentleman who shall remain nameless of course was in the past something to do with the prison service I believe (although whether as an inmate or staff I’m not quite sure). But he was most helpful and gave me much needed information about how to cope with the screws and old lags should I be incarcerated for the duration which after yesterday evening’s briefing is looking more likely by the day (am most aggrieved at having been officially been upgraded to ‘clinically vulnerable’ according to the latest “guidance”).

What a difference a couple of days make. The weather had turned particularly wintry and last night there was more gloom, doom and despondency from Boris, although this was supposed to be the optimistic bit about getting out at last. I think the Corona has definitely got to him, he used to be such an upbeat chappie but obviously being unwell and becoming a father for the umpteenth time has clearly got to him.

Despite planning the big ‘roadmap reveal’ for over a week it appears to have been cobbled together by bored 5 year olds who were also let loose with Powerpoint and is riddled with contradictions. The international travel section is certainly worth a read. A weekend hop to France now requires a month’s holiday (with typical Gallic petulance the French have pledged to mirror the UK’s 2 week isolation period). Tourists coming on a two-week holiday to the UK will see all the sights that Government sponsored accommodation (HMP Belmarsh? The Nightingale Hospital?) has to offer. And having been roundly rejected by the Isle of Wight, compulsory downloads of the tracing app by travellers will no doubt help hit another failed target.

I woke up this morning thinking that this must be what it feels like to be a hedgehog after hibernation, confused and half asleep and wondering what on earth is going on. I certainly was not “alert”!! Are you confused after the speech last night? I know I am, just what exactly can we do and not do? Alert about what? Muggers? Dodgy car salesmen? It was all a bit vague and I don’t believe he actually said he was letting out the over 70s in particular did he or did I miss that bit? More importantly though, where was the bit about getting my cleaner back? Going for a walk and sitting on a beach is not the highlight of my life and I do not need more time to do it. All I want is my cleaner back and my hair done. I don’t want ambiguous platitudes and sketchy promises that leave me more confused than normal I just want clarity.

In Turkey at least they have clarity – the over 65s and nobody else were released yesterday. I did think this smacked a bit of the canary being released into a coal mine to see whether it lives or dies before letting anyone else enter. From today though their hairdressing salons are being allowed to open so at least the oldies will be first in the queue and will be able to get an appointment. And if they’ve been let out too soon and the Corona gets them at least their roots are done!