Day 76: Over and out

Day 38: Ready to respond

Apologies for the slight hiatus – turns out being a social commentator while literally nothing is happening is harder work than one first thought. And my editor also went AWOL claiming she had actual work to do. I find it odd that this absence happened during the burst of sunny weather but she assures me it was a total coincidence.

In the olden days BC – not Before Christ but Before Corona – I used to spend a great deal of my time volunteering both in the community and in my local hospital so when the NHS put out their call for volunteers I naturally threw my name into the ring along with another 800,000 people much to my neighbour’s horror as she despairs about the things I volunteer for (but I have subsequently discovered that she has also added her name to the list).

Sadly, unlike her, I am designated old and vulnerable – goodness I’m fed up with that word it should be removed from the dictionary. Anyway, I have been assigned telephone duties only, when what I really wanted was a front-line job driving an ambulance or being a surgeon.

Unfortunately, the RVS are taking slightly longer to get the wheels moving on this initiative and I am getting bored of waiting to respond so I decided to try out the alarm call on the app. That was a mistake as it is so incredibly loud I nearly had a heart attack. Although I have been informed by them that - “having a defibrillator is not relevant to me in my role” - I am thinking of asking for one in case I set off that alarm again by mistake.

While I’ve been waiting for my call to respond, I was tempted to start my training by ringing random numbers from the phone book in the hope they may want to chat. But then I realised my time was much better spent by way of preparation.

Even though I have only been made a telephone responder I think it is only right that I should be properly equipped and dressed professionally so I decided to make my own PPE equipment.   As it has been so successful I thought I would share my results with you all.

I found an unused Disneyland rain poncho in the boot of my car but you could adapt anything really that is akin to a large sheet of plastic (this could be cling film, leftover wrapping from the recent purchase of a double chest freezer or anything that takes your fancy). Lie on it while getting the husband to draw around you. Then cut out the silhouette and use it as a template to create protective aprons hand-tailored for your body. Cover up all the joins with Sellotape – but do make sure you can breathe! Perhaps you could decorate the aprons with flowers, pound signs or morale-boosting slogans like ‘I’m backing Boris’ or ‘Get Brexit done’.

Many ideas for masks are doing the rounds – I covered some of them the other day – but you will also need headgear. This posed somewhat more of a dilemma but after rummaging in the loft I found an American footballer’s helmet belonging to my son from years ago which did the trick but please feel free to choose whatever you can find. Perhaps go through some of the children’s dressing up gear from when they were young. I did find some yashmaks at the back of the wardrobe but will keep those for evening wear, I think.

Finally, have a look around for a roll of disposable plastic gloves. If you can’t find any, a clever trick is simply to use woollen gloves plunged into a pan of hot wax, making them as waterproof and safe as a Barbour coat and just as classy. 

Now you’re dressed protectively you’re ready to respond – you just need the scheme organisers to get, well, organised. And in the meantime do pick up calls from unknown numbers – you never know who it might be (but to be on the safe side do ask them what they’re wearing).