Day 23: Desperate measures



For those still counting (or fearing dementia on either my or your part) I took Day 22 off as another rest day. But am numbering blog days chronologically lest we forget how long this godforsaken purgatory is dragging on. 



For the first time in forever, there has been some non-Corona news.  I imagine the journalists were tripping over themselves to be assigned to the Labour leadership results rather than coming up with another ‘ten things we didn’t know about our neighbours’ piece. Jeremy Corbyn timed his departure perfectly I think, and congratulations to Keir Starmer for becoming the new Labour leader.



Although he must be ruing the day that he threw his hat into the ring, or at least on the platform that he opposed the government’s inept handling of Brexit, thought Boris was an idiot (or worse) and demanded more money for public services. Now we have the Corona nobody cares about Brexit (anyone else missing it?), public services have been pretty much been nationalised and you’re not allowed to be mean to Boris because he’s in intensive care. 



So Keir's options as Leader of the Opposition have been somewhat gazumped.    Write off £13bn of NHS debt? - they’ve done it. Nationalise the trains? - they’ve done it. Unemployment benefit should be 80 per cent of pay? Guess what – done it!!  Mind you I think reviving the 4 day working week and additional bank holidays might have more legs now.



Meanwhile the terrible Corona misery grinds on and we must be prepared for anything from a waning epidemic to a return to full lockdown before LEXIT. We’ve been stuck in the house for what feels like 30 years now and everyone is going stir crazy. Well I certainly am – still merrily chatting away to myself and even the Husband is now asking whether I am addressing him or talking to myself as usual.



Thank goodness for the Prime Minister of New Zealand who today announced that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy have been officially classified as ‘essential workers’. I gather the UK Government is hard at work to entice Santa Clause out of the North Pole (although you can understand his reluctance).



By now everyone is well aware of the various Corona symptoms. But I have to ask, are you suffering from the following Lockdown symptoms?



You’ve become bored of Netflix

You’ve watched everything on Netflix and have moved on to watching things that are cooking in the microwave and putting together your own back story for them.

You drank that bottle of Martini Rosso

What is Martini Rosso? You’ve never cared to find out before, when more tasty and normal alcoholic beverages were just a trip to Sainsbury’s away. However, the thought of the long, sad, frankly dangerous, queue is now more disturbing than the contents of the bottle, so you’ve drunk it. And you still don’t know what it is.

You don’t know what time or day it is, and it doesn’t matter

It's like Groundhog Day for that period between Christmas and New Year

You’ve started crying at the drop of a hat

Your nerves are so frayed that you weep at any provocation, from clapping for the NHS to the video of that dreadful family singing songs from musicals, which you would usually detest. In fact, you would genuinely burst into big heaving sobs if someone did actually drop a hat.

Your family are worried

You have been stroking the kettle on your lap for five minutes whilst you wait for the cat to somehow boil in the kitchen. When your family gently point out your mistake you reply that you bought the cat at John Lewis, it’s under warranty and you’ll be exchanging it the moment all this nonsense is over.





The internet is full of wonderful advice about how to keep yourselves occupied in these unprecedented times.  Here’s mine.



Ever tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own arms?

  • Get a glass - it’s important to maintain standards during these turbulent times, so get a glass to drink the first half of the bottle from. Ideally a clean one but alcohol is a sanitiser so it’s not strictly necessary.
  • Get a biro - find one now because it’ll be a lot harder to find one when you’re halfway through the bottle. Choose either blue, for that nostalgic sailors’ tattoo effect, or authentic Shoreditch hipster black.
  • Start drinking - usually it might take a few sips to make the taste and the burning go away, but given the current situation it’s probably better to take a man-sized swig then wait until your eyes stop watering.
  • Sketch a couple of ideas on paper - put down a few of your tattoo ideas on paper to see how childish they are. The choice is all yours.
  • Finish the brandy – but before putting pen to forearm make sure you’ve finished the entire bottle of brandy. Your throat will be burning, your head spinning, and the whole pandemic situation completely gone from your mind.
  • Get to work - what have you chosen? A protestation of love for an ex-partner you only ever remember when this drunk, the lyrics to It’s My Life by Bon Jovi? It doesn’t matter, you won’t even remember tomorrow.
  • Take photos and post to your favourite online media. Because our very existence only takes place virtually right now.  Bears and trees are literally letting rip in the woods.






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